worn

My husband has this favorite pair of pants. Because he has had them for so long, they had become worn in the knees. Soon there was a hole. Then a really big hole.  So we went shopping for a new pair. As we walked in the store, off to the right, was a rack full of jeans. He walks over, and with a big grin on his face, he holds up a pair of jean with holes all over them. “What about these?!” I smiled and kept on walking.

We want our jeans to look already worn when we purchase them. We love giving our furniture the antique look. We purposefully break, rip, chip things in the name of fashion and design. 

A few weeks ago someone asked me how life was going. She followed it up with, according to facebook it looks like it is going well.  I smiled and said yes not wanting to get into the nitty gritty of it all.

This last year has left us a little worn. A bit broken. A little worse for the wear in some ways. There have been some good things, but it has been tough.

As much as we love our things looking worn, we don’t dare let the world know that our lives look the same way.  But we all need people who are willing walk with us in the mess.

If you are feeling worn today, there is light at the end of the tunnel. (I know, I know, worst thing to say to someone who is in the midst of it. But it’s there, I promise.) And besides, if you find a few more holes and another rip in your life, join the cool kids club! You're not alone. It's just adding more detail to masterpiece.

Bittersweet

“Bittersweet is the idea that in all things there is both something broken and something beautiful, that there is a sliver of lightness on even the darkest nights, a shadow of hope in every heartbreak, and that rejoicing is no less rich when it contains a splinter of sadness.

Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need both the bitter and the sweet, and that a life of nothing but sweetness rots both your teeth and your soul. Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and the calluses on our hands. Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth and complexity. Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy, earthy.” –Shauna Niequist, Savour

I have tried for the last three months to put words down to process what we went thru this last year and I just couldn’t find the words until I read the paragraph above. 2015 was bittersweet for us.

Almost a year ago(!) Chet and I were standing under that giant oak tree as we promised one another “…for better or for worse, in sickness and in health…”.  We celebrated with our close friends and family on a truly perfect day. As I replay that day in my head and look at pictures, my heart wants to burst.

We have been given lots of practice in living out the words we said to each other. More than either of us ever anticipated. My health threw us a curve ball I wasn’t ready for. There were many dark nights where I couldn’t see past the tears because the pain and heaviness of my disease seemed like too much to bear. From holding me in the middle of the night because the pain woke me up, to spending each night in the hospital because I didn’t want to be alone, Chet has been my rock. He has seen my at my worst and loved me through it. He understood when many around us didn’t.

Chet and I have had several conversations about how our expectations for this year were quickly dashed as life happened. As I have grieved the loss of those things, we both can see ways this time has caused us to grow deeper together. The bitterness of pain and disease brought the sweetness of growing together with Chet.

It is a new year. And with that, I hope a new chapter in our story. I am learning to give myself and my body grace. We are still in the healing process.

I often think about that giant oak tree. It has worn and scraggly branches. It has seen decades of seasons. It has weathered freezing temperatures and unbearable heat. But each spring it pushes out new leaves. And its roots continue to go deeper. I pray the same for our marriage.

Celebration Day

This last Friday, June 5^th, Chet surprised me for our (almost) 3 month anniversary. We already had other plans on the exact day. All I knew was that I had to “be ready to go by 5:20.  A dress would be nice”.

I rushed home to get ready. I even brushed and curled my hair! Makeup. Dress. Heels. I love dressing up, but rarely do it. I have multiple pairs of the cutest heels but never wear them because in my book, heels are not practical and I am a practical girl!

Waiting on the table was a dozen beautiful roses along with a bottle of wine with a card from Chet. The roses and wine were my clues as to where we were going. After trying over and over to help me figure it out, he finally just told me we were going to Napa Rose at the California Adventure Hotel!

We talked while eating our fancy sounding and tasting dishes. We talked about the highs of our 3 months of marriage. Chet said he loves our evenings together. Making dinner. Eating together. Hanging out. What that means is he loves our day to day life. The simple aspects of living. We don’t need to do crazy things or go to fancy places to enjoy each other.

Several months ago I read a blog post by Shauna Niequist called “Burn the Candle”.

This year, brew the good coffee, wear the sparkly jewelry, crack open that fresh journal. Gifts are to be loved, to be burned, to be eaten and used up completely, reminders that someone loves us, that someone thought of us.

What would it look like for you, this year, to burn your candles, to allow yourself to be as loved and worthy as the people around you believe you are? What are you hoarding away for another day, for someone else, someone more deserving or special or fancy? What have you been given that you won’t allow yourself to enjoy?

I loved this post so much because I realize how much I do it…or don’t do it. I notice myself not wanted to use something because I don’t want it to run out. I’ll use the old item because I don’t want to ruin the new one.

We have several bottles of really nice wine that have been saved for quite a while because we have to save them for a special occasion. After reading this post, we bought some nice steaks and invited some dear friends over and opened the bottle. It was a wonderful night with some honest conversation between friends.

As we were finishing dinner at Napa Rose, I told Chet we needed to pick a Celebration day. A day that we will celebrate each year. Celebrate anything. Celebrate 3 months of marriage. Celebrate the end of a hard week. Celebrate national doughnut day (Friday was national doughnut day so we ate beignet after dinner. Those are doughnuts right?). Celebrate because I want to wear my new dress. Celebrate life changes. 

We will open that bottle of wine, wear the impractical shoes even if we are staying at home and find something to celebrate because it’s easy to lose sight of all of the good when things are hard. We will celebrate each other and remember why we chose one another. We will celebrate the simple and mundane because it is all worth celebrating.

June 5 is now our celebration day. 

one month.

March 7^th, 2015, is a culmination of so many hopes, dreams and prayers. I stood next to my almost husband under the giant oak tree as we committed the rest of our lives together.  We celebrated with those we love on the lawn where I spent my summers growing up. The whole day was covered in His fingerprints. From the perfect weather when rain and freezing temperatures were a concern, to the geese who thought they needed to make an appearance make a graceful landing as soon as Amen was said, to the 30 years both my and Chet’s parents prayed for this very day.

We went back to Porterville for Easter to pick up the last of the wedding stuff. It was a beautiful spring day. We looked out at that giant oak tree we stood under one month ago. The difference is noticeable from 4 short weeks ago. The tree is green and full. Spring has arrived and the leaves have made their appearance.

I’ve always loved that tree. Now it holds a special place in my heart. When I look at that tree I see the seasons of life we all go through. And as I’ve been told many times lately, my marriage will encounter those seasons as well. But that’s ok. I think that is how we were created. You can’t get to the fresh green leaves without them falling first. There is still beauty in the bare scraggly branches. They are just getting ready for spring. And spring always comes.

I am so grateful to walk through life with Chet. We are soaking up all that this season brings!

Photo Credit: LaurenWestraPhotography

 

30.

I turn 30 tomorrow.  If you asked me 10 years ago what life would look like at 30, I would have given you my hopes and dreams of what it would be. The reality is, it is nothing like I imagined. When I think about what I had hoped it would be, I smile and laugh and think oh, little 20 year old Andrea, how little you know. And I thank God that I am not in control of my life and that He is.

There is so much goodness in this season.  Yes, there is frustration and pain, and my how easy is it to let that be the focus. But when I sit down and actually think about this last year and all that has happened I am humbled. Even the smallest of prayers. He heard.

One of the things I remember when Chet and I first started dating was gaining a better understanding of God’s delight in me.  In my mind, I couldn’t understand why Chet would like me so much. I was just me. I hadn’t done anything to earn it. It was in that moment that God showed me how much He loved me. I didn’t need to earn it. He just loved ME.

Last night as I laid sick on the couch, in lots of pain, Chet just held me. He brought me soup, emptied and clean the trashcan I kept next to me, ran to the store to get Gatorade and Tylenol and was ready to sleep on the floor next to me incase I got worse during the night.

As good and sweet as this season is and as many reason why I love Chet, what I saw last night alone makes me want to marry him.  He graciously and tenderly loved this sick and crying hot mess and once again I am reminded of how God loves me even at my worst.

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I am engaged! It has been 9 days since Chet got down on one knee and asked me to marry him!

Those 9 days have had more ups and downs than the whole last year!

Whether it is friends going through hard times, ALL OF THE OPINIONS PEOPLE NOW FEEL INTITLED TO GIVE ME, or just the realities of trying to pick a date that causes the least amount of harm. I say least, because someone somewhere has an issue with every day we chose. I am now beginning to see the beauty of eloping!

This is supposed to be a happy and joyous time for me, right? Ive waited *almost * 30 years for this! As we were visiting Chet’s parents this weekend, my soon to be mother in law kept saying, “just remember why you are doing this.” I get to marry Chet! That is why I am planning a wedding. All of these details seem to crowd out the fact that I am marrying Chet!

From the time I watched my first Disney movie, Ive been told that this is all about me now! My wedding. My dreams. What I want….Chet too, but only after I get what I want. Maybe this is one of the ways Satan does his best work. I have had so many negative thoughts this week!

Isn’t the purpose of marriage to be a picture of the love Christ has for us? Isn’t marriage about serving your partner? Sacrifice. Forgiveness. Putting aside our own desires. And here I am starting this new season of life for us off by being upset and frustrated that I cant get my way!

As we were in church yesterday we say a song that had the words, “Let all the other names fade away, Until there’s only you. Jesus take your place.” I couldn’t help but think about how many other names need to fade a right now. I want my wedding and marriage to be a celebration of what Christ has done and a picture of what it looks like give and receive his love.  And that cant happen if I am upset about not getting what I want or caring about how someone else’s pain will affect my day instead of just simply caring for them. 

Remembering

I like remembering. I like looking back and seeing where I have been. I have little note cards I fill out with a sentence or two about what I did each day.  I can see what I was doing on this day last year. Seeing those cards gives me hope to know that wherever I find myself God will see me through it because he has before. And I reminds me to be thankful for good times as I remember those dark seasons.

Today, is one of those days of remembering and being reminded.

Remembering the season of life I found myself in a year ago, as I struggled to see and hear God in the “dark night of the soul”. Remembering the news of my cousin’s death on this day last year. Remembering who he was. Remembering the heartache and tears that came. Remembering the questions without answers.

But I am reminded of the work God did in my heart during this time. I am reminded that even though we are all broken and hurting, my hope is in Christ. And I am reminded that I have the greatest family.

There will still be tears today. But there is also hope and joy. So much has happened since this day a year ago.  Prayers have been answered. And God is still good. 

On being home...

I have been home for almost three weeks now. In some ways, its feels like I was in Haiti a lifetime ago. I have been trying to process through the three months I lived there and what it means for me now that I am home. In all honesty, I struggled with my time there as I was faced with my own fears and insecurities that are only heighted by living in another culture.

One of the things I have come away with is the vast need that is before me each day, right here where I live, if I would only open my eyes and see where he is taking me.

Everywhere you look in Haiti, kids are running around their makeshift houses with shoes that are falling apart or have no shoes at all.  I live in a place that is the epitomy of wealth. Shows like The OC and Orange County Housewives all give glimpses of what life is like for a group of people that live around here. This culture needs the latest fashion. The newest car. Bigger is better. More is better. I even find myself being sucked into the those beliefs as I had to shove my 3 new dresses into my already full closet of clothes. But, hey, I only paid $5 for each item!

Then I hear stories like the one below…

Volunteers at Richman Park in Fullerton are learning that VBS is not only an opportunity to share the gospel with children from the community, but also a chance to have unique eyes on their city and be a tangible demonstration of Christ’s love. On the first day, one leader saw a child alone on the swings and asked him to join the festivities. He agreed, but said that the leader would need to ask his mom. When the leader asked where his mom was – the boy reluctantly pointed to a woman sleeping on a bench nearby. Over the course of the day, it became clear, the child and his family were homeless and were living in the park.

The boy’s brother didn’t come over to join the group until Wednesday, and volunteers realized it was because he didn’t have any shoes on his feet. When it became apparent that a few more of the children’s families were indeed living in the park, volunteers knew something needed to be done. Bri Stickney, Fullerton’s new city liaison was able to be at the site and got to spend time with the parents of the kids while they participated in the VBS activities. After working with Bri, one of the families experiencing homelessness is now being placed in temporary hotel housing and another is slated to meet with Pathways of Hope, an organization that helps families with transitional housing and food vouchers.

Families from RHF (and even some who don’t attend church at all) have been moved by the experiences their children are having at VBS and have banded together to support their neighbors. Different parents have taken it upon themselves to bring hearty snacks each day for the children, and some have joined together to purchase shoes for a few children that don’t have ones that fit properly. They are also working to provide vouchers and gift cards to bless the families in need.

This is one of the beautiful things about the community-driven VBS model, communities are able to be in the neighborhoods and are able to see the very real needs of those around them. Relationships are being formed, families are being assisted, and most importantly, Jesus is being put on display in tangible and transforming ways.

http://costamesa.rockharbor.org/2014/07/16/vbs-2014-stories-richman-park/

I feel grateful to be apart of a church that has eyes to see others as Christ does. I feel heartbroken that in a place of such incredible wealth there are many who are with out homes and such basic things as a pair of shoes. I am humbled that God has chosen his Church, me, you, to show his love, grace, and provision to those he has placed around us. Father open our eyes to what you would have us do. May we not become so busy that we miss what you are doing.