Ebenezer

2012 is almost over. This has been one of the hardest yet most fulfilling years I have experienced in a while. It is one that is full of pain and tears. It is full of joy and sorrow. It is full of stripping away of the old and watching the new grow. It is full of laughter, lessons and change.

It needs to be remembered. God calls us to remember. He knows his kids are forgetful so he calls us to create markers, that when we see it, we will remember where God brought us from. An Ebenezer. A stone of remembrance.

Writing is my Ebenezer. It is something I do quite often. Most of my words are thoughts or a phrase that when I go back and read don’t make much sense to me any more, but at the time meant something. The rest are cries and prayers to God. I don’t write just for the sake of it. I write because I want to remember. I write because those words heave meaning for me. I write because I need to process. I need to do it, for my own sanity. I need to put my thoughts on paper. Then do it again. And maybe one more time until I am being honest with myself about how I am really thinking/feeling. I need to be able to look back at where I have been to see where I am.

The older I get, the more I do it. I have just started my fourth journal this year. Without these, I would miss seeing ways God has worked this last year. This summer I sat at a park one morning before work. While fighting to hear from God and understand what in the world he is doing, I did my Christian duty of reading my Bible. When I don’t know what else to read, I find a Psalm. The one I read that day was one of David’s lament. He was asking how long God would continue to forget him. His words were just what I was feeling but was too afraid to tell God. I finally broke down and in tears asked God when he was going to hear me. How long was he going to forget me? It was one of the most freeing moments I have had.

A few weeks ago, I read over several journals recounting some of the incredible things I was able to do the last twelve months. In doing so, I found that I had written about some of those very things years ago. While there are still wants and desires that God hasn’t given me yet, this whole year He has been giving me other desires of my heart, ones I didn’t even realize were even there.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer; hither by thy help I come…