Do It Afraid

Do It Afraid! This was the title of a blog I read. Fear is always there, until it isn’t. We think we have conquered it, until it rears its head again. It should not be part of my vocabulary. But it is. A regular part. It’s always in my thoughts. Always lingering. Always louder. Always dictating how I act, what I say, what I do. "Once you give fear a second glance, it grows and begins to shade every area of life with grey suspicion. It becomes a kind of twisted permission to not do anything"

 Fear is not who I am. It is not part of me. It is actually the opposite of who God says I am. But it still controls me. It’s the voice I pay the most attention to. And I am learning that at the root of it (as with so many other areas of my life) I listen to it because I don’t trust the still small voice.

 Skydiving is dumb. Let’s be honest, why would anyone willingly jump out of a perfectly good plane?! Never in a million years would I have ever though I would be saying yes to it, let alone following through. And most people who hear about it have the same response. YOU?! But I was tired of letting fear rule my life.

 In a moment (a fleeting moment) of bravery, I said yes. Everything in me screamed NO! Actually the fear screamed No. A small (very small) part of me wanted to be brave, to be bold, to just jump and stop listening to that voice. So I paid my deposit. And the voice got louder. I wanted to back out. I thought of every excuse I could. And oddly enough it was my pride that wouldn't allow it, along with some friendly encouragement.

 The more I thought about it and thought of ways out of it, I began to see this as symbolic for me spiritually. My prayer for a while has been asking God what’s next? And I often wonder how many times he has given me an answer but I just haven’t heard it because I am so attune to hearing and thinking that I can't do whatever it may be. Its safer right where I am. I think to myself, YOU?!

 If I am 100% honest, I don’t completely trust who God is. I don’t trust that He knows what he is doing. If I did, I know my life would look different. I wouldn’t be afraid! I want to trust. I want to go, do, say whatever he asks of me. I want to jump, trusting that he will catch me and enjoy the exhilarating, beautiful fall into my father’s arms.

 Jump day came. I have never been more terrified of a 10-minute period of time in my life! 10 minutes! That is it! 10 minutes of what could be the most exciting time of my life. 10 minutes of proving to myself and others that I can do this. 10 minutes that could possibly end up being the last of my life. And 10 minutes of telling that voice to shut the hell up.

 But the funny thing was that it was still there all the same. Fear. The death grip on my harness and the words coming out of my mouth proved it. But I did it. I did it afraid. I jumped out of that freaking airplane. Fear will always be there in one way or another. I’d guarantee that I’d still be afraid if I were to do it again. But I am called to trust. To trust Him so completely I’d be in trouble if he doesn’t come through.

 Fear doesn’t want me to trust. I need to do it afraid, knowing God has unimaginable things waiting if I would just say yes. He’s not asking me to go solo. I’m going tandem with the Creator. I get to jump with the giver (and taker!) of life. He’s tapping me on the shoulder waiting for me to let go of the harness so I can spread out my arms and soar.

 As we were being instructed on what to do and not do, the guy said actually there really is nothing you can do to screw this up. Our instructors know what they are doing and can fix what you do wrong. Ah, music to my ears! The same is with God. I am not expected to have it all together or to know everything. I am just supposed to follow his lead.