Can You Hear Me Now?

Just found this saved in my drafts folder from over a year ago... A few weeks ago, the played a video at church with clips of 2-5th graders talking about how they hear from God. There was no question or hesitation in their answers. The answers varied from worship, read the Bible, through others, answered prayer and even just in being, but they all heard God’s voice.
I started crying because it was such a beautiful moment in hearing that these KIDS believe that God is real. It was incredibly humbling to know that many of these kids are so much farther along than I am in understand God’s voice.

I struggle with the question, Do I hear God’s voice? Do I even know God’s voice?

I have learned so much this summer. I think for the first time, I have felt the tension of living in two worlds. I have felt the incredibly strong pull of my earthly desires, but at the same time, the pull for ‘that which Christ has called me heavenward’. My life group has had the opportunity to become friends with some people at a homeless shelter. Do I spend more time with them, or do I go home watch my favorite show and get to bed early. Do I buy that shirt that I really do not need, or do I use that money to bless someone else. So many LGs were spent talking about having boldness and confidence is sharing the gospel.

Since Brazil last summer, I have had this tug on my heart. I continued to pray that God would make that clear to me. Months pass. The tug is still there. I have no idea what the tug is all about. Missions maybe, a few people told me they see me doing that. I started reading more blogs and hearing more stories of adoptions. There is that tug again. God’s heart is for caring for the orphans right? These things move me. I love hearing how people are willing to let go of themselves and jump into what God is calling them towards whether that be proclaiming the gospel here and abroad or adopting a child.

So I decide to apply for a missions trip with RH. There were only two coming up and one of the deadlines already passes…for the trip I was most interested in. The other deadline is a week away. I cant make that decision in one week. I pray about it, I still don’t do anything. The second deadline has now passed.
I come to the conclusion that I need to start walking. I spend so much time waiting around for life to fall into my lap. I just need to go and trust that God will direct my steps. The following Monday, I got an email saying the deadline has been extended.
Ok God is you? That afternoon I get in the car and there is a song on the radio with words saying “When you take that first step into the unknown, He wont let you go, So what are you waiting for. I turned my application in a few days later.

Going on this trip would require money I don’t have and don’t want to give up; vacation time I don’t have (again the money) and I would miss some events I wanted to be apart of. The more I process it, the more I realize I am in that tension of these two worlds again. Wont God provide? Isnt He worth it?
I cant not go after everything I learned this summer. I would be like ignoring all of it. I felt as if God was asking me to go on this trip.

So I wait to hear back if I am on the team. The more time passes, the more I begin to feel unqualified for this trip, the more I remind myself that if God is calling me to this, he will equip me. I then get the phone call saying we want a small team, maybe you can come on the Summer trip.

Honestly, part of me is relieved. The other part is upset and confused. Wasn’t this what God was asking of me? Didn’t I do it? I think what really got me was the fact that maybe I didn’t actually hear God….when this whole time I was convinced I did.

On Sunday, when Steve was talking about the future of RH Fullerton, he said something that stuck a cord with me. His vision for what this campus would look like was dead, but that doesn’t mean the vision itself was. God had other plans with the same components, it just looked differently. The tug is still there. Maybe it will just look differently in the way it plays out.