More.

It feels like it has been one thing after another the last several weeks. I keep wondering when it will end. But at the same time, I am grieving the ending of this season of life (and fighting it a bit, I think). I was looking at the website of one of the speakers that will be at a leadership conference I am attending. On his blog he wrote, "I hate endings, no matter how “good” or celebrated they are. I associate endings with hurt. Hurt is the only word I seem to be able to come up with. Pain that doesn’t yet have an adjective. It just…hurts. I know I should be happy, I know an ending can be positive, my faith is clear it will all work out. But tonight, endings just feel like hurt. Hurt sounds like a little kid word. That feels like truth to me. Endings, while the transactional reality can be planned for, the emotion still strikes like a blow in the dark. I knew this day was coming. I’ve actually known from the beginning...".

That struck a cord with me. Hurt. I am hurting. I am hurting the loss of what has been an incredible chapter in my life. It has been one of stability and blessings. I have actually lived in one apartment for almost 2 years. I am completing five years at my job. My church just celebrated its two year birthday and I have been fortunate to be there from the beginning. RHF has become my home, my family. I have been able to pay off my student loans. I purchased my first car (yay for loans...again!). I had the ability to travel to Brazil, France, Canada and Israel. My life was normal. My life was predictable. I was set in my ways.

Several months ago, I knew I had entered a season of waiting. The only thing I knew I was waiting for was changes. If that was supposed to be a time of preperation as well, I failed! Because I would now say I have come into the a time of refining. And I only wish I was better prepared for this. I knew it was coming...at least I thought I did. Maybe I had hoped that things wouldnt change too drastically; that I would still have my safe, predictable life. I still dont know what this phase or the next will look like. Maybe the only thing that will be different is my heart. All I know is it hurts right now. A lot. It feels like God is stripping everything away. Everything that I found security in (apart from him). Everything that was my constant: my roommate, my apartment, my job.

I do have moments (few and far between) where I can finally get over myself and see the bigger picture. I just thought of the pain of childbirth, not that I have ever experience that. But I always hear about the excruciating, 'kill me now'pain that comes with child birth. But at the end (there is always an end to the pain) there is a blessing of a new baby. More often than not, I hear mothers say they would go through it all again for that child. I wonder how many would say that when they are in their twelfth hour of labor. I guess the point it is that the pain is necessary. For one, it is a reminder of how broken and sinful and desperatly I am in need of God to strip my heart of its uncleanness. But if we skip out on the pain, we miss the reward that is at the end of it all.

I dont know what God is doing. I wish he would clue me in on it just a little bit. Beacuse this sucks. And at times, I think He has, but the reality of that might scare me even more. Its so much easier to deal with pain and hurt when you know why. But I want what comes at the end. If I believe that my God is good and his plans are good, then I need this! There is more,whatever that may be, waiting at the end. He wants to give more. Lord, Give me more.